As I observed this vacant scene on the shores of Lake Erie, I marveled at the wonder of God’s creation and how, every year, He allows nearly every sign of life to be obscured by ice, freezing temperatures and snow.
When we first started trying for a baby two and a half years ago, the early months held tendrils of hope. My mind swam with thoughts of our future family, not thinking for a moment of the difficulty we might face along the way.
It was 6AM, and my eyes were heavy as I tried to make sense of the Scripture passage laid out in front of me.
Infertility is a physical problem, but it has ramifications that go far beyond the physical. God gave us not just a body, but a mind, heart, and soul (Matthew 22:37).
Dear pastors, Thanks for all you do to shepherd our churches. We know it's not easy work, and we're grateful for the sacrifices you make to love and serve us. With Mother's Day coming, we want to share something you might not realize. Mother's Day Sunday is wonderful and important ... and incredibly painful. Here are some ideas and thoughts for those that are not mothers.
About ten years later they found the source of all my lazy days and what I deemed as a low pain tolerance. Endometriosis was my diagnosis. Although only a stage 1, it was enough to contribute to infertility, possibly miscarriages and enough pain to affect my life greatly.
Here is a bold and hard statement to hear and honestly believe: God ultimately allowed infertility in our lives For Our GOOD. So sorry to be so blunt but it is the TRUTH. But hear this - God is still a GOOD GOD even though he allowed hard, bad, not ideal circumstances into our (YOUR) lives - even infertility. Do you believe that?
This is one of the main principles we have been learning in our Ladies Group Study every other monday as we work through what the Word of God says about our Infertility within our book.
Okay, if this is true and some of us may know it to be true, then what do I do with this now?
I can't see the why. I can't see the end. I can't see the purpose. The reason and the ultimate good that may come from this. {I so wish I could jump off this screen be in front of you, give you a tight hug and say "I know this is so hard and so not fair or okay" and because I've been there and on the other side and being there again and back on the other side - I can say it is just a season. God says "wait" or "not right now" or "no" but He does redeem everything within His hands.}
For all you Type A's out there saying get to the point... what am I to do? Begin, Start, Allow yourself to daily surrender it ALL - Jesus did this for us on the cross, so why is He enough for our salvation & eternity, but not enough to hold together our infertility (hope of future, babies, loss, and unknowns)? May we Trust because He is worthy and capable of it, He keeps proving it to you. How many times must He?
"Therefore we do not give up or lose heart, even though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day" (2 Cor 4:16)
Please allow this truth to soak into the innermost parts of your heart as you reflect upon Good Friday and Easter. This is His love story for you and it is GOOD! It is not called "bad friday," but Good because it remembers the day Jesus willingly suffered and died by the cross as our ultimate sacrifice. What was intended for bad and death became His victory and our ultimate victory as God's plan culminated in saving his people from our own bad when he rose from the dead 3 days later. He is actively alive, living inside of us if we choose to allow his good into our hearts. We celebrate Easter because there is nothing more important in all of life than this... the love story He created to rescue and make good what we made bad.
Please pray for your hearts to not live in fear but FULLY TRUST and FULLY PRAY knowing that our GOD doesn't need us protecting ourselves - HE CAN & WILL HOLD US TOGETHER regardless. PERIOD! (blog post here about: How to Pray?...)
Allow this song below to speak to your heart this week: this one in particular is such an anthem for what we spoke about above (and in group Monday night), that God did ultimately allow infertility into our lives for Our GOOD. As hard as that is to fathom, we want to believe and be thankful that "his ways are higher than ours" and I can rest in the fact that He does know better than me because He does know ALL. "The beginning and the end!" May that comfort you in this time.
Cast my Cares - Finding Favour (lyrics)
When fear feels bigger than my faith
And struggles steal my breath away
When my back's pressed up against the wall
With the weight of my worries stacked up tall
You're strong enough to hold it all
I will cast my cares on You
You're the anchor of my hope
The only one who's in control
I will cast my cares on You
I'll trade the troubles of this world
For Your peace inside my soul
This war's not what I would've chosen But
You see the future no one knows yet
And there's still good when I can't
See the working of Your hands
You're holding it all
Please go to our Spotify Waiting in HOPE - Songs of Hope playlist for these songs and more.
Personal Prayer Sample: Pray desperately - God can handle it and we need a God because we are needy people. "Please Lord forgive me for where I place my infertility, wanting and desiring a baby and to grow our family above you. I know I have let it become an idol (a god worshipped higher than the one true God) in areas of my life, my thinking and sadly my heart. Please renew and restore my heart for a fresh and true perspective of who you are and how you love me! First and foremost, I want and need you, more and more of you. A baby in my arms without you Jesus would still be empty. Oh Lord, take my weak heart, trust and faith and make it strong in You. I want to desire Your Will more than my own. I know my God is ABLE, I pray He WILL! May this be Your perfect timing for my sweet baby to come live here with us and may you protect it's little life and not call him/her back to yourself in heaven (although I know that is ultimately the better place for us all). Please do a miracle God, as only you can. "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man this is impossible, but with God All things are possible.'" May you be glorified and praised above my attempts to control, my wants and efforts - May you be glorified above medicine, doctors, treatments and procedures. Medicine, science and doctors don't make miracles. May you be Above, Before and Within it All for all to see what My God Can Do, not me or my doctors. You were victorious on the cross my Jesus and I want you to be victorious in my life for all to see." AMEN
The book is "Green Pastures of a Barren Land": Finding Contentment in Life's Desolate Seasons by Candice Farmer. I know it's a little intense of a title but the book is based on 7 biblical truths, or as she calls them life-saving principles, about God that allowed her to experience wholeness, recovery, deliverance, peace, contentment, and hope. Even after what could have been her life-shattering "incurable barrenness" diagnosis.
Honestly, we all need these Godly perspectives and truths to make it through any hard time, which is why I am most pumped about this study and focusing on how Scripture/God's WORD can transform our wounded and hurting hearts into healed vessels of beauty and peace.
I believe this could be such a great resource for each of you & your soul to cling to during this time. Please read it regardless of if you plan to come to group or not.
And if you know anyone interested in being a part of this group or could use this book, please share and help them know they too are "Not Alone".
*EMAIL FOR DATES (AS THEY MAY CHANGE)
I don't understand why they are in this situation, nor why anyone has to ever be asking the toughest questions about life and choosing from impossible choices about what to do next. I'm not sure any of us will ever get those answers of why, when we need them.
In this time, watching their hearts be fully devoted to see His Name be made known and His Will to be carried out in their lives above all else. Even in a time of darkness, has made me so proud of them. The strength the Lord has given them is beyond evident to see.
Those statements of "Your Will be Done, Your Glory be made known, above our wants/feelings" are not easy to choose, feel or say at any point, let alone when you feel the bomb of heartbrokenness dropped right on top of you. ("Why would you God" is more the typical response, right? well at least for me)
So, last week they were blindsided at their almost 20 week of pregnancy full body anatomy scan to be told that their baby was "not-compatible with life" and "the baby has too many major issues to survive." >>These are the life-shattering types of moments in our lives where you simply hang on for dear life and pray the Lord can carry you and hold you together as only HE CAN. For those who've never had these moments or anything hard...Praise God! But know one day you likely will. Our Pastor, Gregg Matte often says you are either in a struggle, coming out of one or about to enter into one.
{"But God" verses: Psalm 73:26, Psalm 49:14-15, Genesis 50:20, Romans 5:7-8, 1 Corinthians 2:9-10}
"He can do something with this... I don't know why and I want to see His plans in this now, but maybe He wants to use this for others down the road," said my sweet friend who wisely and powerfully shared with Justin and I only a day after they received their devastating news.
As we talked and reflected that night on all God had been doing in their lives up until this point and the simple ways He has prepared them, protected them and drew them in close and intimately to Himself and each other the last few months, I was thankful. Thankful for a God who cares about us so tenderly and lovingly. They shared how months ago they had been faced with their first real life struggle/trial and had to choose Him and an eternal perspective over earthly possessions (that are meaningless - yet feel so important at the time). God used this trial in their lives as a time to prune and refine their hearts. God knew they would be able to handle "what was to come" with Him after facing this heartbreak first.
When this current pain struck they would have Him as their solid foundation, only hope, purpose and protector to walk them through it.
I have no idea the pain they are facing or the struggle before them. I can only imagine, and it hurts in my gut. As badly as they want to choose life and hope for their baby and its future, they are being shown and told by numerous doctors, specialist, surgeons and hospitals that ultimately the baby is possibly only alive now because of the mother pumping life into it, especially since vital organs are missing or not functioning. Even being told - "If only there were enough surgeries to even make life or survival an option out of the womb then maybe things would be different".
Don't hear me wrong - listen - I am Pro-Life all the way and truly have seen and believe in a God who can do "immeasurably more than we think or imagine" and believe that "all things are possible for God"! Yet, there are those areas in life and faith that are "gray," hard choices do exist where "black and white" views aren't possible. The best way that Justin and I have been able to wrap our hearts and brains around this situation is thinking about how as a parent or loved one you Never want to be in these situations, but if you were, then how long and how much do you allow someone you love to be in pain and suffer? How long do you keep them attached to life-support? I know we all have different views and thoughts on this one, yet all of us will agree on one thing... we are not there and we really don't know what we would choose. It's that Simple. No judgment (that's not our place anyway). God directs each of us differently and sometimes that means choosing between 2 impossible situations/outcomes.
But I do know... their sweet 1st baby will be a precious gift to live on in our hearts for those that know and love them! Its life will matter because of the parents choosing to share, use it, embrace the hard, moral wall they had to face that no one can relate to unless they are in those shoes. Begging for God (just like Jesus at the Garden) to "Take this cup from me, but if it be your Will... I understand"
Will make Beauty from Ashes! I've seen it in my own life and my own losses. The Waiting in Hope ministry as it is today is a direct legacy of our sweet baby Hope, that we lost at 11/12 weeks back on December 5, 2014. Her life has mattered because we chose to be vulnerable, open and say Yes for Him to use our pain in Infertility for His ultimate plan to bring hope and peace to others. Even though it hurt.
I pray for this legacy and this hindsight for my dear friends! I pray that they see more of Jesus than ever before and that satan's nasty attacks and desires to use shame, guilt or conviction by others to defeat them would be banished from their story and lives, starting right now. In Jesus Name, Amen!
With this new approach in Truly Trusting…thus far we’ve experienced peace regardless of the circumstance. During the treatments, IUI procedure and even in the current waiting to know if we are pregnant.
Waiting is a whole blog post for another day… but anyone going through this knows that all you experience is WAITING. Constant, continual and reoccurring waiting. And who’s good at that?
But it seems that when you are fully trusting (with your whole weight, heart, expectations) the waiting becomes easier, crazy I know. But I’ve experienced that God can do that, He can turn your waiting into a pleasure (maybe not always that far… but an assured promise). When your focus is on Him and His plan, not you and your desperately needed plan, He moves in. BIG. And right now I am daily thankful for Him moving Big in my heart, because I desperately need that.
Here are a few examples of ways He has been moving…
(keep your eyes open and looking, I promise He is speaking)
Last week we realized that for a while now Justin & I were both praying and reading Psalms 33:20-23 daily over our current situations. (Read We feel so blessed… where I previously wrote about this scripture.)
And today during worship service, we sang “Waiting Here for You” (by Christy Nockels) and wow I couldn’t have picked a better song at that moment to bring before the Lord. Soon after the song ended a dear friend (passed me a note... so high school I know - I loved it) she shared a verse in her sweet note that of course began my tears. But the verse was actually one I had been writing in my journal and without realizing it praying through this week. Psalm 130:5-8 “I wait for Jehovah (Lord), my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchman wait for the morning. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemptive abundance. He himself will redeem Israel…”
Interestingly enough, while writing this Pandora was playing a song expressing my thoughts and words perfectly, I had to stop and add them. God’s Amazing that way. (See I told you...look for ways He is speaking, just ask for Him to show you - it helps in the waiting times)
Bethany Dillon “All That I Can Do”
Oh, all that I can do is hold onto You
And follow where You lead
Where You’re leading me.
And all that I can do is hold onto You
And let You bring me through, oh
When the waves begin to rise
And all my hope fails
In confidence I’ll close my eyes
Trusting You’ll be there, be there
All that I can do is hold onto You
And let You bring me through
It’s all that I can do
In this dreaded 2 week wait, all I can do is hold onto the Lord, trust and let Him bring me through like the perfectly timed song reminds us. It is truly all that I (you) can do! Waiting isn't as hard even when the water rises and all our remaining hope fails when we choose Trust over our expectations and desires we instead surrender saying "thy will be done, Amen!" Lord, you've got this and "in confidence I'll close my eyes - trusting you'll be there."
Friends, are you or do you realize that all you can do is hold onto the Lord our God during your waiting? Or are you like so many out there more focused on holding on to your own ways and plans, like a selfish little child, shaking your fist "I know better" "where have you been?"
Is your waiting only about and for it ending? Is your waiting only about and for your desired answer?
2 Corinthians 4:18 - So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (NIV) So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever. (NLT)
Or even in your waiting and unknowns, you are concerned more with the glory of God and His goodness to be known. Not merely to display your own efforts, resolutions, and deserved earthly blessings. This became my prayer in and for my heart. That I would become more concerned with His glory, His will, and His will to be done in and through my life and infertility journey. I pray this would become your prayer and focus in your waiting and trusting too. Amen.
2 Corinthians 1:20 (NIV) For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.
Hebrews 11:1 (MSG) It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead.
