I wish hope didn’t feel so raw.
I wish I could just snap my fingers and be pregnant.
I wish Ariana was already a big sister.
I wish I didn’t feel so utterly crushed every single month.
If I’m really honest, I wish this difficult journey wasn’t part of my story.
But it is.
I can’t say that I understand why it’s part of my journey, but I know wholeheartedly that it’s a part of who I am. It has shaped the way I think. It has refined the kind of mom I am. It has fashioned who I am as a wife. It has altered who I am as a friend. It has affected my relationship with the LORD. I can hardly think of any part of me that it hasn't touched.
God is obviously using this journey of infertility and miscarriage to shape me.
I want to be molded by the Potter’s hands. I know He’s using these difficult experiences to form me into a more complete person and the woman He wants me to be. Many days, it’s a battle.
But I don’t want to fight these lessons. I don’t want to be in a feud with God – I know who wins those. I don’t even want to be questioning why, though that’s a part of the journey too. I want to embrace the things He’s using to make me more Christ-like. I want to embrace the tears. I want to embrace every day … even the ones when I find out again that it didn't happen this month. I want to embrace the hope I feel at the possibility of pregnancy each month. I want to embrace the ups and downs, the tears and laughter, the hope and disappointment.
Most days, I feel lost at how to do that. I don’t know how to take the hope out of it, but the problem with hope is that it hurts. It makes me feel raw and vulnerable. Hope opens me up for disappointment.
As the reality sets in, I struggle with how to deal with that disappointment. Do I wallow in it? Do I keep myself busy and move on? Do I cry out to God and ask why? Do I just accept His timing and plans even though it hurts my heart? Do I find beauty in the hope, even though it makes my heart feel raw and vulnerable?
I think I’m slowly learning that the answer is all of the above. Moving forward, my prayer is simple:
Holy Father,
Please show me how to react. Show me how You want me to encounter every single day. Every hour, every minute, even. I’m giving You this journey and any time I start to take it back, please remind me that You’re in control. Please slam the doors that don’t need to be opened. Please prop open the doors that I need to walk through; usher me in. You’ve brought me on this journey for a reason. I want to honor You through it all as I’m learning to be hopeful.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Claire Hoots is married to David and they live in North Carolina. Their journey to become parents brought them into a deeper understanding of the Father’s love. The patience, grieving, praying, waiting, and seeking it required has catapulted their faith to new levels. It has brought them to a new outlook on life, faith, and family.
