Do you believe God is good? Before infertility I would have told you, “Yes, of course! That’s what the Bible says.” But as my struggle with infertility continues, this one aspect of God is brought into question. Is He good? Maybe it’s true for others, but not for me. Could my lack of a child mean God is withholding His goodness from me?
Today I find myself struggling to believe in God’s goodness. I’m 40. I love being 40, but if you read online, 40 is like a death sentence for conception. And yet, that doesn’t seem to be a factor as I look at my friends on social media. I keep stumbling upon friends with their “oops” babies. And my wall of Christmas cards displays several of my friends bouncing beautiful babies on their hips. How have they had children later in life? Why don’t I get the same blessing?
In my mind I picture myself standing before God, Him calmly seated on His throne. Like a child, I stomp my feet, tears streaming down my face, and unleash my fury at Him. “It's not fair!”
God does not seem good.
Throughout my struggle with infertility, doubting God’s goodness repeatedly surfaces. Depending on the day, I waffle back and forth between belief and unbelief in His goodness. While infertility reveals to me my kernel of doubt, it also pushes me closer to Him. And the more I know of Him, the more He unveils His goodness as I never imagined. Because His goodness isn’t just an aspect of Him. It’s essential to who He is.
Have you ever read the story of Moses asking to see God’s glory in Exodus 33? It’s a story unlike any other in the Bible. Moses is actually asking to see the essence of who God is. And, shockingly, after Moses makes his bold request, God agrees to do it. Now, He could have chosen His power, His forgiveness, His wrath, or His holiness to reveal His glory to Moses. All those big characteristics that make us tremble. Any of these might have been enough to show this audacious man who He was. But instead, what does He choose? His goodness.
“I will make all my goodness pass before you” (Exodus 33:19a).
His goodness! To show the core of who He is, His very essence, God chose to show Moses His goodness. This gets me every time I read this verse. Because this is how God wants us to see Him, how He wants us to define Him. His goodness is the filter through which we understand all that He does. If you do not know that God is good, then you do not know who He is.[1]
But what does it mean to be “good?” Try as I might, bringing a fuller meaning to this word always falls flat. Have you ever found that it’s easier to figure something out if you look at its opposite? The flip side of good can include: evil, fake, immoral, inadequate, incompetent, mean, rotten, tainted, unreliable, unvirtuous, wicked, and vile.
This does not describe our God. But we can flip those words again to better understand His goodness: good, true, moral, abundant, capable, kind, pleasant, pure, reliable, virtuous, honorable.
Embracing and choosing to believe that God is good transforms the infertility experience. If He is good and in control of our lives, then all that happens to us is for our good. This isn’t punishment for sin. Jesus already died to take our punishment. That’s why He came.
No. This suffering is for your good. Because all that He does is good. With this truth, you can stop experiencing infertility as a punishment. You can stop believing that God is against you, or that you need to prove your faithfulness to Him. God isn’t good because He gives you a baby, and He isn’t cruel if He doesn’t. He simply is good.
We’re never promised a life without suffering, but we are promised in Scripture that God will never leave us or forsake us in our suffering. Our God does not change; His character is fixed and it is good. And that is a truth to build our hope upon.
So I invite you to make a choice: In the midst of infertility and struggle, hold tight to the truth of God’s goodness, whether or not you are graced with a child. I pray that you will trust that God is good, all the time, in every circumstance.
Sometimes that can be hard to see. Believe me, I know. Each of us must battle to believe in God’s goodness because everything in this world screams for us to believe the opposite, tempting us to doubt His goodness.
If you find yourself tempted to doubt, here are some suggestions:
Remember the past, what He has done. Where and how has He been good to you in your life?
Find verses that talk about His goodness. Paste them on your walls, your phone screen, your car dashboard.
Call people who will remind you of His goodness.
Talk to Him and ask Him to show you His goodness. He will reveal Himself to you.
“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the LORD” (Psalm 27:13-14).
[1] (Guzik, D. (2015, Dec. 16) Exodus Chapter 33. Enduring Word. enduringword.com/bible-commentary/exodus-33/)
Brooke Delaney lives in Colorado where she loves to teach Scripture, cook, and gawk at her beloved mountains like a tourist. She writes on infertility and God-related struggles at http://www.singobarrenone.weebly.com.
