Our pastor didn’t mean to insult us. He was making an observation out loud after another couple in our small group announced they were pregnant. My husband and I hadn’t shared our fertility struggles yet. So he had no idea that his comment would stab me in the heart.
“Jenn and Colin, you guys are the only ones left who don’t have kids!”
Ug. As if I haven’t noticed that already. Our lack of kids made us stick out like a jagged tooth. We didn’t fit into our small group or the church as a whole. The people I trusted and loved were no longer “my people.” At least that’s what it felt like.
Church can be hard when you’re facing infertility. As with our own families, our church family can misunderstand us, make insensitive comments, and just plain get on our nerves. The church atmosphere surrounds us with triggers – pregnant bellies, children scurrying around the foyer, and a not-so-subtle belief that motherhood is a woman’s highest calling. (Biblical fact check: It’s not.)
Church wounds cut especially deep. We know the church is supposed to be a sacred community where we worship, learn, serve, and gather with our brothers and sisters.
When we enter the Lord’s house expecting encouragement and find pain instead, the sacred bond breaks. It feels like our family betrayed us.
Our sanctuary doesn’t seem safe anymore.*
Though your hurt is real, there’s hope for you to restore your relationship with the church. As with all relationships, we can’t necessarily follow a formula to heal our church hurt. However, I’ve learned the value of being proactive about church wounds. I encourage you to consider taking these action steps.
Turn to God
Minimizing our pain won’t move us toward restoration. We need to express grief in order to heal.
Thankfully, God invites us to pour out hearts to him. He sees our disappointment, feelings of betrayal, and loss of community. What our church doesn’t understand he gets. More than that, he fulfills his promise to never leave or forsake us. No matter how alienated we feel from his people, God always embraces us as his children, redeemed to him by the sacrifice of his Son.
Turning to God means we seek him through prayer and time in his Word. Even if our church situation doesn’t change, God can work through the pain by drawing us closer to him.
As David found refuge from his enemies, we can also run to the Lord when the church provokes our ache. “I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul” (Psalm 31:7).
Assess and confess
I don’t know about you, but I tend to get irritated with my husband when he doesn’t replace the dead lightbulbs in our house. Most times when I snap at him about fixing a light, he’ll point out an important detail: he didn’t know it had burned out.
Like I do with my husband, we can hold our churches to unrealistic expectations. We need to remember that most people are clueless about infertility. Questions about when we’ll start a family are normal conversation-starters, not meant to cause us to break down in the middle of the church lobby.
The reality is even the most loving churches will disappoint us. Only Jesus fully knows our innermost thoughts and deepest longings. His love is perfect; his people are not. I appreciate how John Piper points out the difference:
“Jesus is better than the community of Jesus. Jesus will be there when the community of Jesus lets you down.”
Spend time praying about the expectations you have for your church. Ask God to show you if/how you’re expecting the people at your church to do things they can’t actually do. Confess any bitterness the Lord reveals to you. He’ll give you the strength to do what you might think is impossible and forgive your church family.
Embrace the teaching opportunity
You’ve probably heard the term “wounded healer.” I believe God gives us another opportunity in the midst of our pain. We can become wounded educators.
Galatians 6:1 talks about how Christians should gently restore our brothers and sisters who sin (whether against us or not). Paul follows this instruction with another command:
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).
In my experience, pastors and church leaders are usually eager to bear the burden of someone struggling with infertility; they just don’t know where to start. We need to help them if we want their help carrying our burdens.
Teaching doesn’t have to be complicated. You can begin by sharing your story with a few church friends. Explain what adds to your pain, why church can be hard for you, and how they can best support you. Then be brave and ask to meet with a pastor. Tell them your struggle and humbly suggest ways they could care for you. For example, advise them to avoid baby-making jokes during their sermons.
Trust that God can work through your willingness to step into a teaching role. Who knows, you might help someone else who’s hurting find hope in church again.
Christ’s body, your family
The church won’t be free of brokenness on this side of heaven. Sometimes church relationships can’t be salvaged, even after people try to restore peace.
I can’t tell you if you’ve reached the point of no return to your current church. But I can guarantee you that God doesn’t want you to ditch church forever. He designed you to take part in the body of Christ. His Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead can guide and empower you to either work through the issues at your church or find another church home.
God gave you a family to bear the burden of waiting with you. He can help you wait while your church family learns how to love you.
*If you’ve experienced sexual or other physical abuse caused by church leaders or other people at your church, I urge you to do what you can to get out. God doesn’t condone the sin of abuse. He made you in his image, worthy of being treated with dignity. He holds pastors and leaders accountable for how they care for their flock. Talk to a trusted friend who can help you walk away, find counseling, and begin the process of recovery.
Jenn Hesse is the content director of Waiting in Hope Ministries. God led her to start and be involved in infertility support groups since her own waiting journey. She has a passion for equipping women to deepen their faith by knowing God’s Word. Jenn and her husband live with their three sons in the wet wonderland of Willamette Valley, Oregon.
Connect with Jenn Hesse
• Website: https://jennhesse.com/
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