Loving is hard when we’re in pain. When my husband and I tried to conceive year after year, and when we miscarried our first baby, God asked us to keep loving. When others got pregnant and I didn’t, He asked me to keep loving. It was hard.
“Love God and love your neighbors'' sums up Jesus’ greatest commandment (Matthew 22:37-40). A simple but weighty statement. In context, Jesus was giving an astonishing response to the religious leaders of the day when they asked what the greatest commandment was. It is to love.
But how do we love God when we’ve cried out, “How long, O Lord?” for the thousandth time and it seemingly falls on deaf ears? How do we love Him when we know that He could give us children without a word? How do we selflessly love in the midst of infertility?
If our minds ruminate on these questions constantly, our hearts probably won’t fill with love for the Lord. And if our hearts aren’t filled with love for the Lord, we probably won’t love others well.
It’s OK to honestly ask these questions of God, but we can’t stay in that space. We need to remind ourselves that God loves us deeply and that our cries are not unheard by Him. When we’re confident of God’s love for us, it’s easier to love Him and love others.
In my own life, when I experience trials, I need to remind myself that my trial isn’t because I’m unloved by God. I have to filter my thoughts through the lens of God’s Word to discover the depths of His love for me. Then I can firmly believe that when God seems harsh or distant, He still actively loves me.
Our wells will not run dry when we continually meditate on God’s steadfast love, which is continually praised throughout the Psalms. Though my soul knows the truth, that God loves me deeper than I can fathom, my flesh wants me to wallow in the lie that God is unloving to allow me to face infertility. But that lie is a false understanding of God’s love and sovereignty in our suffering.
God doesn’t enjoy seeing us suffer. No, He is grieved that we grieve. And one day the world will be cleansed of pain, but today is not that day. Today we must anchor our souls to the truth of God’s Word, to believe God loves us even when the ache is unbearable. Romans 5:8 says, “But God shows His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ’s death was the most selfless act of love there ever was and ever will be.
It was also a devastating act of love. Even so, God sovereignly redeemed the evil and the pain of the crucifixion to pour out His love on believers. God is not a mean God; He is a God of redeeming love. When it seems our pain is in vain, God says different. He says He loves us, and that He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). We might not be able to understand what good He has planned for us, but we can trust that He knows what He’s doing. Rather than driving us away, He draws us to Himself in our infertility. He is near to our broken hearts (Psalm 34:18).
Scripture is full of proclamations of the steadfast love of the Lord. God loved us first, so that we could love Him and love people. His love exists for us in the calm and in the storm, so we can love others at all times, too. Christ’s greatest commandment is possible because He fills us up with His love first. When your cup runs over with God’s affection for you, you can daily put into practice the command to love God and love people, even while facing infertility. It’s difficult, but God promises to help (Hebrews 4:16).
So how do we love well? To love God well, we spend time with God through prayer and reading, studying, and meditating on the Bible. God knows our needs, bottles up our tears, knows our distress, and steadfastly loves us as we hope in Him (Matthew 6:8; Psalm 56:8, 31:7). And loving God well will help us love people well. All we have to do is look at Scripture and look at Christ. We are told to “build each other up,” “outdo one another in showing honor,” “love our neighbor as ourselves,” and much more (Romans 12, 15). Scripture is full of ways we can love people.
I know we’ve been hurt by people’s responses of “pray more” or “read your Bible more,” as an answer to our infertility. While those comments are hurtful and untrue, it’s important that we don’t blame and neglect God because of others’ misconceptions. In fact, praying about others’ frustrating comments is the very thing that can help us love people despite their (probably unintentional) ignorance.
We can also use our God-given gifts to show love by serving others, whether it’s our physical neighbors, our church family, our friends, or family. Take some time to reflect on the areas where you thrive and find joy in serving, such as writing notes or providing meals.
And remember, some times are heavier than others, like when you’re going through a treatment cycle or becoming exhausted with filling out adoption paperwork. We might not always be able to love people in hands-on ways. We can give ourselves margins to care for our souls and not intentionally put ourselves in situations that will compound our hurt. It’s not unloving to say “no” at times. Ultimately, we want to live out our call to love God and love people even when we’re hurting – to show love even when we don’t feel loving.
Remember God loves us deeply, and nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ (Romans 8:35-39). That’s a love worth spreading.
Kelly Ottaway is a contributor for WiH and enjoys ministering to others dealing with infertility, loss, and waiting. Kelly is a Licensed Professional Counselor and lives in Ontario with her husband and their two children who were adopted as embryos. Kelly enjoys writing, especially about infertility, mental health, theology, and gardening.
