I was broken by each one of my miscarriages. Individually they brought, heartache, pain, grief and questions. Oh, so many questions. But there is one within the group that I am thankful for. Thankful, because it changed my faith and revealed to me God's passionate, persistent love for me.
I remember heading to the ultrasound appointment apprehensive, fearful to allow even an ounce of hope, yet unable to fully squelch it. Maybe this would be it! Maybe I was finally pregnant! When the technician tentatively told me that there was no heartbeat, I stared at the ceiling, dumbfounded that this had happened again. As I silently dressed, my shock dissolved into anger and my thoughts turned to God. “How can you let this happen again?! Do you love me at all? Do you even care?!”
I quickly answered that question myself: “No. You don't care.”
Suddenly God felt unsafe, scary, and unpredictable. He was no longer trustworthy. Mentally I ran from Him, closing off my heart to the one whom I felt had inflicted such pain.
The miscarriage crushed me. I felt as if I had fallen into a pit and I could not crawl out. All around me was darkness, muck, and pain. And worst of all, I felt completely alone. For weeks I walked around telling everyone that God was simply mean. What else could I conclude after so many miscarriages?
I knew I couldn't continue living this way. And deep down I knew that my definition of God was distorted, or at least that the bible did not describe Him this way. So that was where I turned, to the bible.
I needed to be reminded that God loved me. That His love for me was so passionate, so all-consuming, that He would die to get me close to Him. I needed to know that He delighted in me, that He truly reveled in what He had created. I needed to know that He wasn't against me.
In my desperation I turned to Song of Solomon. This book, which has historically been read as a book about God's love towards His people, beautifully uses the Old Testament metaphor of a Bride and Groom to describe our unique relationship with Him. The book tells the story of a Groom who continues to pursue and cherish His bride, despite her fear, withdrawing, and doubt. He pursues her over and over, regardless of her faults.
Through this book, God revealed His unmatched love for me. As I studied a verse every morning, I realized that at heart I believed God was stingy – giving only grudgingly to me or when I proved myself worthy. At heart He was never truly safe to me or trustworthy. But this book showed me the abundant, over-pouring, extravagant love that He has for His children. What I found in Song of Solomon was God's crazy love for us. It felt so strange to read verses that talked about His delight in me; how He enjoyed me. Strange, especially in light of the miscarriages as that felt the exact opposite of love.
But discovering this love redefined my experience of miscarriage. I had defined God based on my circumstances, instead of defining my circumstances through my experience and knowledge of God. God needed to become the filter through which I saw the world and my miscarriages.
When I was grounded in the knowledge that God was for me, that He fervently loved me, I no longer saw my miscarriages as a sign that He didn't care for me. He became my refuge, my safe place to hide when miscarriage came again. And when it did, I grieved and felt the same heartbreak. Instead of running from Him, I clung to how God defined Himself in scripture and found that I was not broken, nor was I ever alone.
Brooke Delaney lives in Colorado where she loves to teach Scripture, cook, and gawk at her beloved mountains like a tourist. She writes on infertility and God-related struggles at http://www.singobarrenone.weebly.com.
