If, like me, you’ve been on an infertility journey for any length of time you know the struggle is more than real when it comes to sex and intimacy. The timed sex, fertile windows, peak day, awkward tests, legs in the air, buying the fertile friendly lube (the applicators) … We could go on and on, but that is only addressing one piece of this sexual struggle.
I think if we’re honest the most difficult part of sex in infertility is achieving intimacy because it’s deeper and more personal than “just” sex. Intimacy requires mental work and effort; it’s what makes sex spiritual. Infertility seemingly strips us of all intimacy with our husbands for the purpose of mechanical sex and procreation. But is this how God would have it, or how Satan hopes our trial would progress?
Rethinking Sexuality
For so long I accepted counterfeit intimacy in my life, which led us to a very difficult first few years of marriage. Satan happily used my past trauma and wounds for his purposes of pulling me away from God and from my husband. Thankfully, God decided to unearth the roots I had growing into foundational lies through first teaching me what intimacy with Him was followed by my theology on sex. It was grueling to re-learn so many mindsets, but worth it to experience healing and redemption spiritually and sexually. My conclusion? The level of intimacy I experience with my husband is directly related to the intimacy I practice with Jesus.
Like any lie faced in this life, we must combat it with God’s truth if we want to overcome Satan’s schemes. That’s why if we want to thrive sexually in our marriages despite infertility we must first rethink sexuality and reclaim God’s design for it as a whole, including our ideas on intimacy in and out of the bedroom¹. We must build our theology on sexuality and intimacy before or arriving at the doctor’s office or fertile week starts.
God’s Plan for Intimacy
Through an ongoing process, the Lord shows me that true intimacy with Him starts with first learning to worship Him privately. In her book “Satisfy My Thirsty Soul,” Linda Dillow explains it best when she said, “worship is the path to experiencing the presence of God, the way to face-to-face intimacy.”² Her unique definition of worship is “an active response to God that declares His worth; to adore, admire, celebrate, esteem, exalt, glorify, love, magnify, praise, revere, reverence, and venerate” (p. 38). Just like with your husband, cultivating this intimacy means prioritizing and planning time with Him alone to worship, undistracted.
Adoring God for who He is also means taking ourselves off a pedestal and bowing to Him. Again, Dillow explains this is not just physically bowing in a posture of surrender, but bowing all of ourselves, our dreams, desires, needs, times of waiting, words, attitude, work, pain, and our will (paraphrased, p. 28).
Finally, we study the theology of end times, salvation, and other biblical concepts, so why not sexuality? I encourage you to gain a robust foundation on what God thinks about sex and how He designed it for more than growing generations. I think you might be surprised by the pleasure and excitement God originally planned for sex in the garden.
Even through waiting, infertility, loss, and struggle, the Lord’s plan for intimacy can prevail. But first, a solid foundation of truth coupled with continual surrender to the Creator of sexuality and intimacy Himself must be sought if we wish to refresh the way we connect with our husbands.
All My Single Ladies
You may be reading this as a single sister not only waiting to be a mother, but waiting for the man who could possibly make you a mother. Please know, even in this conversation you are never far from my mind. God’s model for intimacy is so great it transcends covenant marriage, because of His covenant with us as believers, His Bridegroom. Your deep longings for motherhood, being a wife, and experiencing intimacy can all be fulfilled in Him alone. I pray that you don’t settle for counterfeit intimacy while you wait, but seek the most fulfilling relationship in your Creator.
The Practical
Practically speaking, I want to leave you with ideas to help cultivate sexual intimacy inside and outside the bedroom.
Plan ahead. If you know when to expect your fertile week, plan what it will look like, including what you’ll eat and other commitments. Look forward to it! Your life isn’t a movie; good sex doesn’t just happen with one look. It takes work and planning to make it enjoyable. This includes your scheduled times together (or apart) when going through medical treatment.
Communicate with your husband. He doesn’t automatically know your expectations and needs. Give him grace for not knowing everything or feeling the same way you do.
Appreciate your husband’s consistency in hormones and feelings; they ground us in the midst of our emotional rollercoasters. Thank God for how He made us different to be complementary.
Pray for sexual desire during the times you need to, but also for the unfertile times for fun.
Talk about sex together on a planned date night at home.
Enjoy each other and cultivate friendship every day. Don’t allow your entire marriage to be consumed with conception. Plan activities you enjoy together.
Be creative! Make a day date out of your doctor appointments together, anticipate a special night after a sex-restricted time frame, and make it lighthearted when getting pregnant doesn’t always look the way you planned for it to.
Recommended Resources
All things “Authentic Intimacy,” blog, podcast, books at AuthenticIntimacy.com
“Sex and the Single Girl” Bible study by Juli Slattery
“No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex & Intimacy in Marriage” by Juli Slattery - addressing specific barriers women have to intimacy
“Rethinking Sexuality: God’s Design and Why it Matters” by Juli Slattery – the theology of sexuality; discipleship resource for men & women
“Passion Pursuit” Bible study by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery – if you don’t have time for the DVD series, the book study alone is worth it if seeking to grow your desire for sex while also growing intimacy with God
“Satisfy my Thirsty Soul” by Linda Dillow – a journey through learning to worship and gain great intimacy with Jesus
What Now?!
Where do you find yourself and your marriage in this dichotomy of continuously planned sex and desiring deeper intimacy? Are you content not pursuing God’s best for you, your marriage, and your sex life? What lies about sexuality and intimacy are you believing? In what ways are you stagnant in your intimacy with Jesus and with your husband? If you’re single, how can you elevate intimacy with Jesus over your desire for intimacy with a husband?
These are challenging questions, but I encourage you not to glaze over them. Take them with you in prayer, confession, and worship before the Lord. Talk about them with your husband. It won’t be easy; it will take time and dedication to work through, which I know sounds daunting in the midst of an already looming trial. But I know it’s worth it. The struggle of infertility is infinitely distracting, troubling, and tiresome, yet it has the potential to drive you deeper into intimacy with your Creator as you trust Him through the process, and with your spouse as you do this together.
[1] Dr. Juli Slattery, “Rethinking Sexuality” (New York, Multnoma, 2018)
[2] Linda Dillow, “Satisfy My Thirsty Soul” (NavPress, 2007), p. 27
Kayla is married to Justin in sunny south Florida where they enjoy life together with friends and family. Their waiting in hope journey includes 4+ years of learning patience, yearning for eternity, and grieving the loss of their daughter, Anna Joy, to pre-term birth. Kayla loves coming alongside women to lead them into deeper intimacy with Jesus through the trials of waiting. You can follow more of her musings on grief here.
