As I observed this vacant scene on the shores of Lake Erie, I marveled at the wonder of God’s creation and how, every year, He allows nearly every sign of life to be obscured by ice, freezing temperatures and snow.
When we first started trying for a baby two and a half years ago, the early months held tendrils of hope. My mind swam with thoughts of our future family, not thinking for a moment of the difficulty we might face along the way.
It was 6AM, and my eyes were heavy as I tried to make sense of the Scripture passage laid out in front of me.
Infertility is a physical problem, but it has ramifications that go far beyond the physical. God gave us not just a body, but a mind, heart, and soul (Matthew 22:37).
I know that everything inside you is aching for a miracle. I’ve felt the disappointment, shame, and seeming abandonment by God. I remember how hard it is to look past your tears. Dear sister, I’ve been there, and I can tell you this with certainty: Your infertility isn’t about you, just as mine wasn’t about me.
Experiencing infertility heightens your awareness and sensitivity toward those facing the same struggle. This part of your life that hurts so deeply helps you connect with others at a deeper level because of your shared pain. Though it might be difficult to view infertility as a gift right now, you could think of it as a badge of honor…
Relating Well with family through one of the most difficult seasons of your life can be a challenge...to say the least. Here are some things that may help our heart and our focus.
I vividly remember a season in my life right out of college when it seemed like my world was crashing down. During that season, God was shattering all the idols and false pretenses in my life. I remember feeling desperate, broken and so confused about what possible good He was going to bring from my circumstances. During this time, God had also given me the gift of a dear mentor in my life. The one who knows first-hand some of life’s greatest heartaches – a prodigal child, an unsaved loved one, a broken marriage, chronic pain, loss upon loss – yet, boldly testifies of God’s faithfulness through it all. Yes, it was someone like this in my life who spoke a bold truth that my unripe heart needed to hear.
It quickly became my habit to call her when I felt like my extroverted self just needed to process out loud. Until one day, she gently exhorted me with a good ol’ fashioned reality check. She said,
My reaction was both an “Ouch!” and a long drawn out “Ohhhh”….
She was right. It had become my habit to spend more time complaining/venting/overanalyzing aloud to others than it was to lay it all before my heavenly Father. Prior to this life-altering incident, I spent very little time in the practice of prayer. Life was going seemingly well and easy. I had a false sense of control and a small view of God. Surely, I had an improper understanding of what role prayer had in the Christian’s life. Timothy Keller explains it well, “When life is going smoothly, and our truest heart treasures seem safe, it does not occur to us to pray.”
That dark season combined with a swift, but a gracious kick in the rear from my dear friend began one of the most holy, fertile seasons of growth for me. My time in communion with the Lord was precious. I longed for sneak-away moments where I could just sit and talk with my Father, and it just felt natural. I craved time in His word. It was a sacred time of learning what it meant to live out Romans 12:12, “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
I’d love to say that from that moment on my prayer life has been spot on, but I think we all know and can testify to how fickle we can be. At some point, I carelessly slipped back into an embarrassing pattern of sluggish prayers. You know the stanza in Come Thou Fount, “Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it Prone to leave the God I love…”? Ugh, did I ever feel this tension in my heart. Enter in our long, painful season of secondary infertility and two unexplained miscarriages, where God began to gently woo me back into sweet communion with Him. Albeit uncomfortable circumstances and ones that I kicked hard against, it was the very providence that drew me into the protection of His love through prayer.
I was beyond thankful for a small group of people in my life who held my arms up like Moses needed and urged me to persevere (this is also why it’s important not to isolate yourself during the hard seasons!). They faithfully prayed on my behalf, and slowly I felt a shift happening in my heart. I felt free once again to pray bold prayers, not only asking God for the desires of my heart – a child, but also for peace in the face of unanswered prayers.
So what are some practical matters I’ve found helpful as I continue to grow in the discipline of prayer?
Persistence. In Colossians 4:2-4 we’re told to “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.” So, we must not ever give up, even when we fall short. There are times where I feel sure God is fed-up with my inconsistencies, but then I’m reminded that our God is changeless and ever so patient with our frailties. I must persist; We must persist. Even when I feel like I’m praying the same prayers over and over, I must persist, press-on and not lose heart (Luke 18:1-8).
Watchfulness. I’ve also learned to be watchful during my time of prayer. This is probably the biggest struggle for me. I need to have an action plan to keep me from self-centered praying, wandering heart/mind/distractions, and hollow expressions.
Having a prayer Journal. Without writing my prayers down on paper, I’m inclined to all the above.
Practicing thankfulness. Lastly, I’ve learned to continue steadfastly in prayer with thanksgiving. My time in communion with God never feels complete without taking a proportionate amount of time to thank Jesus for His many good gifts to me, both big and small. A tangible way I’ve done that is simply by numbering them and listing them out in a place in the house where I have easy access to immediately document the blessings. For example, a notebook near the kitchen sink. This helps me also to look back and remember God’s past faithfulness in seasons where I am forgetful.
Again, I am no model for what perfectly effective and purposeful time in prayer looks like. However, I can tell you that as I’ve intentionally sought to spend more time in prayer with God, He has been ever so merciful to show His nearness.
What followed, was clarity for the path ahead, which for us meant pursuing adoption. However, there was a point just before this clear answer when I wondered if/when I would ever have peace about the path. In His mercy (and with much soul-stretching wrestling for me), He has given the gift of acceptance and joy, despite hopes unfulfilled. I have even had friends say that they see a change in my countenance as if a weight has been lifted. This is not by my own strength, but because of the faithfulness of our loving God! So for those of you in the midst of heavy discouragement, keep clinging, even if it's by your pinky nail, to the HOPE found in Christ. He is always faithful to provide.
Written by Krystle Edelson, Waiting in Hope Chats online leader. Follow her as she chronicles their journey and what God is doing in her heart along the way on her blog: https://edelsons410.wixsite.com/teamtwentyone
If there’s any word to describe my feelings lately, it’s isolation. I’m sure there are others out there that feel the same way, so I want to bring you in on this journey with me – as I’m still very much in the middle of it.
I was texting my friend as I was leaving the OB this morning after a follicle scan to see if the Clomid medicine has been working or not. The scan didn’t go so well. I believe God is bigger than science so if He wants me to ovulate later this week I will, but the scan showed that I haven’t progressed as far as most women would at this part of my cycle…meaning it doesn’t appear the Clomid is working. And it confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS.
As I was leaving, I kept seeing one pregnant woman after another and a young couple holding hands and smiling walking towards the OB’s office. No doubt they were heading towards a happy ultrasound to see their baby to be. It just brought tears to my eyes. Here I was leaving after my first ultrasound only to find there is something wrong with me. I couldn’t help but feel completely alone. It seemed like everyone else in the world (well my little world at that moment) had this thing that I deeply desire but here I was with bad news. Again.
Kari Jobe has a song called “I Am Not Alone” and it’s been playing all the time this past week. I hear it on the radio almost every time I get in my car, it comes on my Pandora station in the morning, and it plays on repeat from another playlist I have. It’s not coincidence, I’m starting to think God is trying to tell me something … and I feel like He’s been preparing me for today. He knew I would get some hard news and would be tempted to run and lock myself away.
That’s what we want to do when we have infertility isn’t it? We don’t want to talk about it because it’s too painful.
We feel like no one can make it better so we would rather just stew on our emotions. I’m especially tempted to distance myself from my pregnant friends. Even though I know they love me and only want to encourage me, I’m still reminded every, single, time of how I’m still NOT pregnant and am alone.
BUT that is what the enemy (satan, the evil one) wants me to think! He wants me to isolate myself and think I’m alone. He wants to put a wedge between my pregnant friends and me. He works best in isolation … in the darkness.
That’s exactly why I wanted to share this post today – even from the midst of the struggle – I can personally tell you, friend, you are not alone. No matter how hurt you may be feeling or how much you would rather just hide or deal with it yourself. You are not alone. We weren’t meant to face trials in this life alone.
Then your light will appear like the dawn, and your recovery will come quickly. Your righteousness will go before you, and the Lord’s glory will be your rear guard. At that time, when you call, the Lord will answer; when you cry out, He will say “Here I am.” - Isaiah 58:8-9
Your recovery will come quickly after the light of the dawn! Friends, do you see that too? It says our recovery is our healing. Our wounds will be healed. I love how it combines the recovery with the light. It also mentions the Lord’s glory, which is even more light. We are surrounded with it! And it goes on to say the Lord WILL ANSWER when we CRY OUT. You can’t cry out in isolation… you need someone to cry out to! So cry out in fellowship with the Lord and with your friends. He promises to answer! He says “Here I am”. He doesn’t want you to face this trial in isolation. He is Here, with you! Friends does that bring you light in your dark isolation to know "He is Here"?
Listen to this song and think about these beautiful words from Kari Jobe. Repeat them until you can claim them: I am not alone. She writes that the light is breaking through… the darkness will not overtake you. The True Light brings healing to our souls!
I AM NOT ALONE by Kari Jobe (click here for video/to hear)
When I walk through deep waters
I know that You will be with me
When I'm standing in the fire
I will not be overcome
Through the valley of the shadow
I will not fear
I am not alone
I am not alone
You will go before me
You will never leave me
In the midst of deep sorrow
I see Your light is breaking through
The dark of night will not overtake me
I am pressing into You
Lord, You fight my every battle
And I will not fear
You amaze me
Redeem me
You call me as Your own
You're my strength
You're my defender
You're my refuge in the storm
Through these trials
You've always been faithful
You bring healing to my soul
So I would encourage you today if you are going through infertility, talk to someone about the struggle today - even if it’s hard and nothing in you wants to text or call that friend. Don’t listen to the lie that you should keep to yourself. If you have a friend facing it, reach out to them today! Don’t be afraid to ask how they are doing. Let’s bring this struggle to light so that we can experience the Lord’s healing power that comes with it.
Callee Maglothin - Waiting in Hope Chats friend, WiH writer
On one very pure, real side I am ecstatic and joyful for your news. Yet at the very same time it brings up my own personal hurt, longing, sadness and disappointment about my own empty womb and arms.
My sadness is not entirely because I am jealous, although that does creep up on me. But mainly because I so desperately and deeply want to be where you are, and going through this alongside you. We did start "trying" about the same time (or maybe I was ahead of you), yet my womb and arms are still empty. It is a very strange place I'm not use to, but God is working in me at this time. Please bare with me, I am working on not comparing myself to "what God has given you."
I would never want our current situations to change, hurt or divide our friendship. Because you mean the world to me! Sweet friend it is not your fault that God’s plan or timing is different than my own.
I’ve attempted to hide my fear that we won’t be able to relate as our “life phases” change, even though I know our friendship is stronger, deeper and more honest than that. Therefore, I may have to on occasion during this journey approach you with my hard yet vulnerable feelings. I pray you can listen and understand, and I will do the same for you. I only want our friendship to grow through our honesty, as we freely share in both laughter and tears without explaining or defending ourselves.
Please be patient with me as I personally battle between handling things with God’s grace and being a stubborn child. I am begging for you to please love me during this time. I know you have your own distractions with preparing for or taking care of a baby, which I promise to do my best to share in. That way our friendship is balanced and healthy. You may wonder during this time, what does it look like to love me? Ask me. Ask me questions, not necessarily or all the time about my treatments or where I am in the fertility process, although I like to share and it helps. Just don’t forget to ask to know my heart. For example: ask how i am feeling, how is my marriage, my hurts, struggles, frustrations, fears and joys (and if you ask please prepare yourself for real answers.) Most of the time I need a caring, listening ear or simply to know that people (besides my loving husband who gets sick of hearing about our infertility) are walking beside me, praying for us and supporting us. I need you on my team too.
I apologize now for how sensitive, irrational, hormonal, needy and an utter mess I may be right now or during this long journey. I don’t mean to be difficult. It can sometimes just be too much especially since everything seems heightened and affected right now - physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
Can I be blunt with you dear friend? I am not writing this to be mean or hurtful, please see my Heart! But I would like to give you a little warning of what will instantly be “too much for me.” Even if I don’t show it at the time, I will feel the painful sting of it later. I know your intentions are pure and that you mean well. We know I sometimes (or often) say things I don’t mean or realize are bad, we all do. Which is why I want to prepare you.
Please don’t tell me you “completely understand what I am going through” unless you have actually been through it yourself. I feel like a guinea-pig most days or weeks; giving blood every other day, taking medicines, being probed, stuck with needles, self-inflicted nightly shots, cut open for surgical procedures, etc... Honestly unless you’ve been in my shoes of heartache and longing for a child you can’t seem to conceive, lost or will never have, you just can’t even begin to imagine the depth of all the emotions. Such a statement unintentionally belittles my pain.
Close friend, if you are in the process of attempting to conceive, I would be grateful if you asked me how I would like to receive your news once you become pregnant. If you’re already expecting please kindly and privately tell me before your joyful news becomes public. Otherwise it only hurts worse and/or forces me to cope in a very public situation.
Please let me know of resources that might help me like support groups, books, other godly women, or couples who may share this journey or would tenderly care and listen. But steer away from strong, unsolicited advice. Please don’t push your suggestions or opinions upon me but pray that God would prepare me for His timing.
I could never picture you saying these things, but I would be naive to not accept that they are said to infertile families every day from within the church. You need to just “trust God”, you must not have “enough faith.” Although there will be times I need your encouragement especially to keep my faith, we (families going through this) have enough blame and guilt without outside opinions. I’ve experienced this as we began seeking “specialized treatment for infertility.” It already feels like the un-natural way, especially since all my friends so easily got pregnant without help. Oh boy do I hate that word “natural” or the phrase “the natural way.” What is natural to you may not be what is natural for me. Obviously, my body isn’t functioning like yours which is hard enough for me to come to terms with.
If a miscarriage ever occurs, please refrain from the words “it was probably for the best.” I know you mean that the embryo was not developing properly and it is God’s way of creating the body to handle it. But mostly, I just need someone to hurt with me and validate my grief.
Also, I would encourage you if meeting someone new to try starting the conversation with open ended questions like “tell me a little about yourself.” Because the longer I wait in infertility the more tired I become of answering the question, “so, do you have kids (yet)?” You know I am an honest person but who wants to open that can of worms when first meeting. Oh how I wish that I could sometimes just freak them out by instantly initiating full blown tears.
P.S. I loved when you... thoughtfully sent me a special note with your baby shower invitation, letting me know that this might bring me pain and giving me the option to freely choose to come or not. You loved me so well, healing scars with such a simple gesture.
Or when you remembered and acknowledged that my baby died. I was taken back by your huge love when you gave me a present to my un-born child, even though I miscarried so early on. WOW!
I pray you see my torn heart in my love for you my dear sister. I do love you. I love your unborn child. I love your children. And I love that we are strong enough women to walk through some tough ground with God’s direction, and that together we will be better on the “other side.”
All My Love,
Kelley
**I am thankful to be able to write this due to the grace and love my Lord has shown me during my current infertility journey. And by the unending blessing of having amazing godly friends (most of which are pregnant or with small children) that gently, lovingly and earnestly walk beside me providing encouragement in my hard place. My thanks will never be enough, you know who you are. -Kelley (And I pray this same blessing for all who read this and are walking a similar journey.)
For further help, resources and guidance look around the waitinginhopeinfertility.com website.
